Season of Waiting
Okay so I know that most bloggers right now are posting gift guides for all of you to shop and get ideas for, but for what ever reason I just can’t seem to find motivation to do that haha! I absolutely love looking at them and honestly find them so helpful but I really feel like that is just not what I am supposed to write about this year.
I know so many of you are waiting for the blog post that is going to let you all in on what I’m walking through, and while I don’t feel ready just quite yet to share everything, I do want to share some deep truths that I am learning while I am walking through this season while also sharing a bit of my story.
If you know me well, you will know that patience isn’t my strong suit. Like, not even a little bit. I am quick to get frustrated, have a hard time waiting for anything at all, and have more judgment and less grace for myself than I think more people would care to admit. Basically I would win the award for least patient person ever LOL
Yet for the past eight months, I have found myself in this season of waiting that I never saw coming. I know that sounds so dramatic, but if you have ever experienced trauma, whether as a child or adult, you know that sometimes it can just come out of nowhere. I mean really, I woke up on an ordinary morning in February and one phone call rocked my world. It honestly just started as small waves, things I had walked through before and thought I had handled. It wasn’t until April when the disruption was finally enough to get me to walk through the doors of my counselor’s office.
My childhood was a mixture of trauma and love. Which, as I type this, sounds counterintuitive but that’s exactly what it was. As an adult, I have the capacity to see how these two spaces collided and “functioned”, but for any child that is so difficult to reconcile. How do you live in a constant state of fear, but also know that you are loved? How do you constantly feel like a failure, while also feeling accomplished? It just doesn’t make sense. And even now, as I cognitively can understand how these things coincided, emotionally and mentally I still struggle so deeply with trying to reconcile my upbringing and the way that it has damaged me and strengthened me.
I find it so fitting that as the Lord is walking me into a time of healing and growth, we are entering into the season of Advent. And to be totally honest as I write this, my heart aches because I know the pain that lies ahead, but there is also a sense of joy and awareness of the irony that of COURSE we would be heading into this season. A season that is filled with immense stillness even in the chaos, a season of refreshing rest even in the tiredness, and a season of peace and oh so much grace, even in the anxiety and doubt.
Just as I was getting to the point where I was ready to throw in the towel, I hop onto Facebook and someone is talking about their advent calendar, I open my Magnolia Journal magazine where Joanna Gaines is talking about advent, I walk into church and we are talking about Advent. I mean seriously, it is everywhere. It’s like the Lord is gently whispering to me “Madelyn keep waiting. Don’t you dare give up now. What I have for you beyond this season of waiting is worth it. I promise.” And as much as I want to shut off all of my emotions, press through my anxiety, forget the trauma I have endured, continue to not communicate with Alex or the people that love me, and put my fake smile back on my face so I can move on, I don’t. Because I know that Jesus is continuing to remind me of the healing that comes in the waiting, in the stillness, in the anticipation.
The count down to the birth of the Savior was a time of rest and hope. A new life that was going to bring so much peace and healing to a world that so desperately needed to be saved. And even now, as we open up our advent calendars to get a sweet treat each day, we anticipate the day that represents the light that came to shine in so much darkness. This month carries so much hustle and bustle, but it truly represents a time to slow down, and be filled with anticipation, and rest.
I really believe that the Lord is blessing me with a season of Advent right now. I’ve spent months working through crippling anxiety and fear, horrible trauma, and serious feelings of inadequacy and loss of identity and I need a season to rest. A time to rejuvenate and gain energy so that when this season ends, I can push forward and continue to work through the hard things. But it’s going to continue to require me to be patient. To slow down and not just rush through the process, but to be patient enough with myself to allow my heart and mind to catch up. I have to keep waiting even though I want to push hard and fast through the things that hurt. But I know that I will become so much stronger when I allow the healing to take as long as it needs to.
Friends, maybe this is you. Maybe this season is a time for you to rest and recooperate. Maybe you need to be reminded that the hard stuff is still going to be there even if you take a break. That you deserve a break. A time to recover from those reopened wounds and a space to heal your heart just enough to gain strength for the season ahead. Maybe you need to be reminded to be patient with the process. Maybe you need me to hear someone else say me too. To be reminded that you aren’t alone and that there are those of us out there doing the same thing. I may not know your story, but I do know that you deserve to be patient in the healing, the growth, and the struggle, because there is so much freedom to be found once the wait is over.